Billionaire to Soup Kitchen

Well not exactly; you see with the climate of the economy, certain billionaires around the globe took a harsh beating like many poor folks have.

This Yahoo finance article about who took the harsh hit (that are billionaires), made me think are they in the soup kitchen line for billionaires?

I don't think so.  I think they are doing just fine.  If you are a billionaire and you lost half your trappings; you are still a good sized millionaire.  You are not going to the soup kitchen.  But maybe the "oops kitchen."

~Double Your Stocks w/Marl~

Losing money is losing money.  They are getting the same gray hairs I get when I lose or can't find five dollars I misplaced.  Check out the list of the biggest billionaire losers... see if you're on it.  If you are a reader of Chicago Funnies; I can assure you are not quite a billionaire!

If you are; please write in or leave a comment and as always love donations are accepted.  

Richard Provenzano

Chicago Funnies

Virginity Pledges Don't Work!

Teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence and are significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control when they do, according to a study released today.

Nike has won again in the war of what to do. "Just do it" is a popular slogan in which NIKE urges people to do predominantly when it comes to buying their shoes. However, when playing sports in there shoes, Nike urges all to 'just do it' when it comes to winning or being successful or doing what your gut is telling you.

From this study, we see since promises are always meant to be broken; promising to be abstinent till marriage does not work (at least in the western world).

And what is worse is that those who do make pledges are more likely to not use condoms and such when they do engage. This is probably because they feel like that person is going to be their husband. I have news for you, everyone is not honorable, and every one is not a thief. People break written contracts (you know...have you heard of foreclosure), so of course they will break verbal agreements.

In serious spiritual groups they work because you are pledging to God; but pledging to yourself... "gimme a break" like Neil Carter.

"Yeah baby, I'm going to be with you forever, let's have sex." - Two minutes later

"Uh baby I gotta go to the store." Never seen again, of course unless he wants to re-up. If you don't want to have sex, leave the attention alone of trying to be in a virginity pledge, and just do it with your fruits.

Randall Watson
Chicago Funnies

Bush "Indian-Gives" a Pardon

WASHINGTON – on Wednesday President George W. Bush revoked a pardon he had granted only a day before — a step unheard of in recent memory — after learning in news reports of political contributions to Republicans by the man's father and other information.

Bush pardoned 19 people on Tuesday, including Isaac Robert Toussie of Brooklyn, N.Y., who had been convicted of making false statementsto the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development and of mail fraud. On Wednesday, the White House issued an extraordinary statement saying the president was reversing his decision in Toussie's case.

If this isn't getting the wool pulled over your eyes; I don't know what is.  You are promised a pardon then you're told to, "it ain't going to happen pal," by the man who recently had two size ten shoes thrown at him.  What's that like in the slammer?

If getting a pardon out of jail is anything like winning the lottery on your job this isn't going to be pretty.  I remember when I thought I won the lottery; I bought cake with a lot of whip cream, and I brought in a bunch of stink bombs.  I pretended to have a very special announcement to tell my boss and co workers along with the 'higher ups' and I took the cake and splat it in my bosses face.

Then I went around the room in a monologue that insulted every co worker I didn't like and my rant didn't end there.  I told the 'higher ups' they should come down and visit more often because they stink up there; and I proceeded to let off my stink bombs.  Lastly, I told them if they hadn't noticed, "I'm quitting." I jumped upon the table and did various 80s dances as I stormed out the room.

When I went home and read the numbers again; I realized I was in a bit of a jam.  I hadn't won the lotto (hence why I'm working for the Chicago Funnies).  To go back to work the next day; I went straight to the boss and said I meant everything I said yesterday, but I was filled with joy and free emotion.  I told him "I had won the lottery and would no longer NEED to work here; but that it doesn't mean I should turn into a snobbish idiot over it.  I'd like to keep working for a little while until the money makes no sense to keep coming."  He agreed; but the 'higher ups' couldn't deal with it and fired my ass a week later.

So I'm trying to imagine Isaac Robert Toussie of Brooklyn, N.Y as he was told about his pardon; what did he tell fellow inmates.  If he did anything like me; and now has his pardon revoked; I don't even want to know his welcome back speech (not funny).  He's lucky he did a white collar crime it may be easier to cope with.

Randall Watson

Chicago Funnies

Which Way Did It Go...

WASHINGTON – It's something any bank would demand to know before handing out a loan: Where's the money going? But after receiving billions in aid from U.S. taxpayers, the nation's largest banks say they can't track exactly how they're spending the money or they simply refuse to discuss it.

"We've lent some of it. We've not lent some of it. We've not given any accounting of, 'Here's how we're doing it,'" said Thomas Kelly, a spokesman for JPMorgan Chase, which received $25 billion in emergency bailout money. "We have not disclosed that to the public. We're declining to."

Banks are not telling where the money is going.  I thought this was weird; it's kinda weird right?  I bail you out of a jam with cash and you don't have to tell me what you're doing with the money?  "Hey Randy; I need 5,000 dollars because my home has a roof problem."  "Okay here's 5k."

"So did you get that roof fixed?"  "Uh not yet!"

"Are you working on it at least?"  "Uh you don't need to know the accounting on where I spend the money you loan me.!"

If that conversation makes sense; then by all means keep it coming.

But no bank provided even the most basic accounting for the federal money.

"We're choosing not to disclose that," said Kevin Heine, spokesman for Bank of New York Mellon, which received about $3 billion.

They are choosing not to disclose.  Probably will show that the CEO has two or ten new cars and jets; and his daughter just got the biggest sweet sixteen party thrown for her...

I guess this is what the people want.  The Feds have been sticking it to people in the past; the banks are just getting them back (with our money) for us.  Way to go Banks.

Randall Watson

Chicago Funnies

Duck Down Mr. President

BAGHDAD, Iraq (CNN) -- A man identified as an Iraqi journalist threw shoes at -- but missed -- President Bush during a news conference Sunday evening in Baghdad, where Bush was making a farewell visit.

This is pretty funny news coming in from Baghdad; a journalist went wild. Bush nonetheless showed that he is still as quick as a cat in how he ducked down from both size ten shoes.

The journalist after he was taken away told reporters he was hoping the US President would sign his shoes for his kids to have and didn't realize he had tossed the shoe that hard. The journalist said, "I thought baseball was the American past time; and Mr. Bush the President couldn't catch a simple toss!"

The President was fine, even joked about it saying, "I told him to toss it; and he flung it; and he didn't tell me he had two kids; and that I'd be signing two shoes."

We're just happy the Iraqi prime minister tried to catch the shoe but his tightly tailored suit restricted his reach.

Due Daniels reporting

Chicago Funnies

The Rod is not Always the Way

There use to be a saying that said, "The Rod the Way," those who are familiar with the Bible know that the rod of Moses and every child of Israel represented God leading them.

Well not this "Rod!" Governor Rod Blagojevich and his sudden mishaps has brought a spongy grungy dark cloud over Illinois and it's politics.

It's not like everyone is squeaky clean in politics. I mean if Jesus said to all the politics in Chicago and Illinois that are pointing the finger "all who are without sin cast the first stone," I wouldn't be surprised if everyone slowly walks away now.

That's my problem with the media making it bigger than it is.

Yes if he orchestrated a "pay-to-play" model for the replacement of President-elect Barack Obama's senate seat; he should be removed.

But I want to remind everyone how hard Eliot Spitzer went after public officials and took people down for the same things he ended up having to step down for.

I don't deal with politics much because I felt it wasn't anything I could change; this presidential election has been only my second time voting; I rarely go to town hall meetings, and I don't pay much attention to politics (I did watch how they presented themselves on TV - you know the good image up front; do your dirty stuff when the camera is on pause (funny)).

It's probably why we have the politicians we have because people like me were not paying attention to who gets into office.

We really need to be very careful of who we put in our government and watch them as close as we would watch ourselves. I never forget when I had a radio show and my buddy Dred Jones would come on and say something along the lines of, the government is crooked because we get our leaders from among the people...the people who are crooked.

If you reach in a bag full of rotten apples; the best looking apple in that bag is still rotten.

We have to expect that dirty is dirty. The people have to get clean so we can put clean people in office to govern us. The Rod is the Way, not Rod Blagojevich's way.

DueRod Daniels reporting/commenting

Chicago Funnies

Economy is Losing

The economy is losing and still losing. During November 2008 the US economy lost another 533,000 jobs bringing the total this year up to nearly 2 million.

The new figures, released by the Labor Department Friday, showed the crucial employment market deteriorating at an alarmingly rapid clip, and handed Americans some more grim news right before the European "holiday" Xmas.

I can see families already going to the dollar store for gifts this year. Five bucks for all five of your family members...it's the thought that counts (funny...no...?). Got a big family; 15 bucks!

The financial squeeze is being felt globally. You would think maybe all the countries would come together to have one global financial market in this type of break down.

533,000 in one month!

Where to Go in a Rough Economy

~AD~

"These numbers are shocking," said economist Joel Naroff, president of Naroff Economics Advisers. "Companies are sharply reacting to the economy's problems and slashing costs. They are not trying to ride it out."

The unemployment rate would have moved even higher if not for the exodus of 422,000 people from the work force. Economists thought many of those people probably abandoned their job searches out of sheer frustration. In November 2007, the jobless rate was at 4.7 percent.

The U.S. tipped into recession last December, a panel of experts declared earlier this week, confirming what many Americans already thought.

Since the start of the recession, the economy has lost 1.9 million jobs, the number of unemployed people increased by 2.7 million and the jobless rate rose by 1.7 percentage points.

Bundle up it may be a cold winter even in warm climates.

Randall Watson reporting

Chicago Funnies

Here's 21 Million now Leave

"Here's 21 million bucks; now leave us alone!" That is what the New York Knicks are telling Stephon Marbury to do.

Why won't anyone pay me 21 million and tell me to 'can' this Chicago Funnies crap huh? Give me a few dollars and I will sheesh (stop laughing).

So the one time all star and his drama thus far this year has got team GM Donnie Walsh to ask Marbury to leave the Knicks alone while they figure out what they are going to do to him.

I feel sorry for the self proclaimed "Starbury" because he is being treated like this. But at the end of the day he will have 21 million more reasons to actually feel sorry for me. He should have just done what he was asked even if it hurt his ego; and diminished his appeal for next year when he's a free agent.

But some guys are not use to taking that back seat; look at Steve Francis; he's been tarnished and he was the number one starter in the all-star games for years in a row.

Remember Glen Gary Glen Ross - "go to lunch; will you go to lunch - GO to LUNCH..." Marbury; will you go out of town... - Donnie Walsh and the Knick organization. If he's that bad NYC; give him his 21 million owed (by contract); and leave it alone. Stop trying to buy him out when he won't allow it.

Randall Watson

Chicago Funnies

PEOPLE's Sexiest Man Alive

People's Sexiest Man Alive

I'm pissed off man!  This is six years in a row where I have been left off the list of the sexiest man alive.  I mean I'm breathing so I can't be dead!  What is the freaking problem.  Ok, ok, Hugh Jackman is cool, Daniel Craig, ugly cool - but I'm more John Blaze then these jokers.

Ad

Want Breast Enhancement?

 Anyhow I'm not going to cry about it; but is it me or when they show pictures of these so-called sexiest men alive they show like the worse picture they've ever taken?  I mean these guys look like they have morning breath in these pictures.  When they show the sexiest woman alive, they show nice decent pictures.

But for the guys they show gorillas in the midst.  I'm upset I've been left out; but alls wes' goings tos dos iss shape up for next year.

Sexiest Man Alive

 I'm Randall Watson...This is Chicago Funnies

Mayor of Akron

I was laughing at this response of Lebron James. In last nights game against the Chicago Bulls (in which the Cavs beat the Bulls and James went for a season high 41 points nine rebounds and six assists in 36 minutes), James had a shirt that had Barack Obama image with the words, President Elect.

He arrived at the game wearing a T-shirt with president-elect Barack Obama's likeness on it and was asked if he would consider a future in politics, perhaps as the mayor of Akron, his hometown.

"Mayor of Akron?'' he said. "I'm already mayor of Akron. I've been that for about 10 years now.''

He's not the actual mayor. What people don't understand is that there is a Mayor who is elected; does all the grunt work but no one knows him. Then you have the apparent Mayor who everyone knows and likes, doesn't do any work besides his or her career.

For instance in Chicago Mayor Daley is the actual Mayor. However, Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and Antonio Dannes are the apparent mayors. Like Michael Jordan use to be the Mayor...Does that make sense? Well it should and shouldn't (funny). Ha ha ha ha ...

Well we thought it was funny any way.

Due Daniels

Chicago and Obama

Chicago has been a mecca and a sort of Jerusalem in a secular sense. When I think about it; Chicago has the greatest beings come from it. No where else can make some the claims that I am about to share with you.

Chicago has produced Michael Jordan. This is a man who has taken on a sport that was mediocre and he transcended it to a spectacular event that nearly every nation is playing. And when he retired the sport has slowly diminished, that is when you know without out a doubt that he was a game changer. Michael's greatness began in Chicago.

Oprah Winfrey. Oprah came out of no where; okay she came from the color purple. However, she is the biggest icon in the world when it comes to media. Her rise started in Chicago.

These people have changed things; they have influenced people and changed the outlook of America in a special way.

Barack Obama is a big piece to the puzzle that is so influencing. First African American President to preside over America. There is not much to be said about his historic route into the White House.

For Bible believers, Chicago has also been the mecca with the man of God Henry Buie who teaches the Bible with the clear-cut understanding of one who is truly anointed. His headquarter is in Chicago as well.

Last, but certainly not least; Antonio Dannes. Originally from Florida, he ventured to Chicago to expedite his marketing greatness. His creation and brilliance in Fiery Marketing 2.0 is crushingly exciting. Once again this began in Chicago.

Chicago and Obama is excellent, Chicago truly ensembles a mecca of greatness in the United States. Beware, the next great thing will come from Chicago.

Chicago Funnies
Chicago Greatness

Barack Obama Wins

Finally, it's no surprise Barack Obama is the president elect. He has defeated John McCain, Hilary Clinton, and has jolted America into a new phase. President Barack Obama - nice sound. The only thing funny in this piece is that John McCain lost to a black man... (not funny).

George W. Bush is the best president of all time for his ability to set the stage perfectly. He strategically ran the country into the ground. He fought a war that didn't make sense, he burned up the economy, and did it without even being questioned of impeachment.

This is historic. George W. Bush should take much of the credit in Barack Obama's win today for making things so bad that people had to wake up for change. Barack Obama, Barack Obama, Barack Obama (it's a chant, not a keyword spam).

Due Daniels
Chicago Funnies

Condoleezza Rice & the NFL

Condoleezza Rice may be the new Rice for the San Francisco 49ers. After she becomes gainfully unemployed on January 20, 2009; the Secretary of State may look into a position with the 49ers.

She is a big football fan; and always dreamed of having the dream job of NFL Commissioner. And you thought she was a nerd. This is who every guy wants to hang out with on Sundays. Just think she can give you all the skinny on George W. Bush. Football, beer, and laugh at President Bush stories (funny).

I would like to see her do that; but I think it's hard to go from Sec of State to Exec of 49ers. Maybe the Chicago Bears would be a better pick.

Randall Watts

Chicago Funnies

Cook County Foreclosures

Cook County; the Chicago County district could top as many as 42,000 foreclosure cases this year.  That is a great number of people going back to renting (not funny).

Cook County's foreclosure court is so busy with the wreckage of the sub-prime mortgage crisis that the number of judges has been increased from 10 to 14, and guess what, they begin their new schedules on Monday (10/19/08).

Foreclosures are up in Cook County by 47.8% in just the first half of this year and are expected to pass 42K by years end.  Increasing judges isn't a sign of things are bad; but that it is only going to get worse.    As people follow the Federal government to find out where the bail-out will take them; they currently deal with everyday disastrous-life changing problems.  It's foreclosure business as usual.

This is Chicago Funnies.  We may change our name because of the way the economy is going.  We will give further details on November 5Th.

Randall Watson

Devin Harris...Duped & School

Interesting news out of London where a local Caucasian street-baller received the opportunity to play against NBA point guard Devin Harris. For those of you who do not know Devin Harris; he was popular player out of Wisconsin University and was drafted by the Dallas Mavs and played a big part in their finals appearance.

He was recently traded to New Jersey for Jason Kidd this past season. For what ever reason he has found his way in London (probably a media event), and found himself getting hustled by a street baller who was wearing jeans and a proper V neck sweater.

The kid appeared to be an average Joe off the street; but secretly he was a street ball whiz legend in London and put some pretty moves on Harris who was not expecting it. Harris took it well; but it just looked bad.

You can view it here Devin Harris vs Stuart Tanner

Chicago Funnies

Global goes our Crisis

It's now a global crisis!! First it started when I was doing a budget crunch on my Microsoft Money Manager program and I saw the budget was way off. Cut backs were in place; I laid off my 5 year old daughter as the dish washer, and had cutbacks in groceries.

I realized that I gave off terrible loans to family and friends, loans I knew financially they were just unable to pay back (I'm going to get every sent back all of y'all who owe me (in the words of Frank Lucas) and the guy who lost $200,000 and said he'd get it back slightly optimistic).

The chickens have finally come home to roost in my household. I said it's no problem and I'll make the changes and go right back to work. Then the City of Chicago said they have a budget deficit so bad more than 1,000 jobs will be cut in 2009. I brushed it off my shoulders; I skipped the state level (not even going to bother with Gov Blagojevich), and went to the federal.

I saw the $700M dollar bailout and I started to worry. I said no problem, I will go to the EU and the world accounts for help. and I see the markets world wide plummeting. Gulp (funny).

The devastating financial flu that has sent the American economy reeling is contagious making the rest of the world look sick too. To think all of this started because of my money manager program and my budgeting. Now my daughter is out of a job, my new borns will have no work unless this economy gets better.

That's the thing; this crisis actually has to start from the global level back down. When market analyst tackled in terms of experiencing a fire that was getting harder to put out, bail out on a global level is next.

Start the bail out now. Send $50 to $500 or more to antoniodannes@gmail.com via Paypal to help my small economic crisis and let's have a trickle up economy starting with me (seriously funny).

Due Daniels

Chicago Funnies

Sarah Palin / Joe Biden Debate

Who do you think won the vice presidential debates.  Sarah Palin didn't appear as ditsy as she was portrayed in the previous weeks.  I saw Governor Palin reading a lot as she spoke; but she was articulate, cute, and appeared fundamentally intellectual.  

But she didn't not look like she could be a Presidential candidate nor a vice president.  I think she can do well as a weather commentator (funny?).  

I say that because the people I watched the debates with kept saying that.  What do you think?

Chicago Funnies

Randal Watson

Sox are Inn!

You can put it on the boarrrrrrrddddd, yes!  The Chicago White Sox have clinched the playoffs in the final spot.  The Chicago White Sox are headed to the playoffs for the first time since winning the 2005 World Series after beating the Minnesota Twins 1-0 behind the bat of Jim Thome and the left arm of John Danks.

I personally didn't think they could pull it; but they did in a nail-biting fashion.  The city was filled with disgusted Cub fans; but hey let Chicago celebrate together for once.

The Sox had to work overtime, but in Game No. 163 of the 162-game regular season, they pulled out a 1-0 victory against the Minnesota Twins in the AL Central tiebreaker, not only advancing to the AL Division Series against Tampa Bay beginning Thursday, but giving Chicago baseball fans the chance to enjoy both their teams in the postseason for the first time since 1906.

The Sox are headed to the postseason for the ninth time in their history, and before the first pitch in the first game against Tampa Bay has been thrown, Reinsdorf is satisfied, that Jerry "I own all Chicago sport" Reinsdorf.  Congratulations to the Sox - now let's make it happen.

Chicago Funnies

ps: personally I'm going for the Cubs or Dodgers.

Failed Financial Crisis!

As many of you have seen on the news concerning our nations financial crisis, George W Bush's 700 Billion dollar blank check; excuse me; bail out was rejected by the House and primarily by republicans. Obviously this bill has many loop holes in it that is either not good for the men and women who voted or they were actually filled with integrity and thought it not good for the people.  

This is an excellent time to really get involved in your politics and see what the heck is going on it Washington and hope for a solid change that will help Americans.

Another thing we must think about is; who can fix the problem best between Senator McCain or Senator Barack Obama?  I remember this quote from one of my favorite movies - "you laughing now?"  Not many people are, and those who are may not be laughing on November 4th.  Vote

Chicago Funnies

Randall Watson

Government Bail Out Plan

The country is in a crisis, a deep financial crisis. So bad it can be worse than the 1929 great depression. Democrats and Republicans have made “tremendous progress” in negotiations over a $700 billion rescue for Wall Street, and a plan could be in place before financial markets open on Monday morning, according to a leading Democrat. If the problem isn't fixed banks will have no money to loan, and people won't be able to borrow money because; no one has money to loan.

Frankly, I hope the $700 million dollar bail out fails. Why? It would put everybody on an equal playing field. I see people driving cars they can't afford, yet because a thirty loan shark or even a well satisfied loan shark approved them; they go out rolling in style which makes them believe they have money. It leads to what they call in sociology, the vicious cycle. You continue to buy and buy, even though you're not really buying, till you run into a huge problem, then you need a "government bail out plan." We call it chapter 7 or 13 - bankruptcy.

I say let the bail out fail; and force people to actually buy what they can buy. Not borrow what they will pay back later periodically. Just like you can go into a store and buy a $15.99 dollar pair of jeans, you should go into a car dealership and buy a $12,999 dollar car - CASH. And if you can't you freaking don't have a car. Yeah I said it. What would people do then you ask. Catch the train, or rent a car; just as you would rent a house or apartment. Problem solved.

So I hope the bail out fails so that everyone is on the same playing level. Some folks can go into the BMW lot and buy a car cash, most can't. Save your money, juggle it, manage it well to get yourself to the next level. The government bail out plan is exactly what they called it. A bail out; not a thorough solution.

Chicago Funnies

Due Daniels

Bears Lose...Again!

CHICAGO (AP)—For one brief moment, Brian Griese acknowledged a little extra satisfaction.
He refused to take shots at his former team during the week, but landed a big one at the last moment on a day when he was off target.
“I can’t lie to you guys,” he said. “The game meant a lot to me, personally, coming back.”

Everyone feels good when they can comeback into their former teams house and beat them. It's the ole Horace Grant on Shaq's shoulders winning against the Bulls in 96. You try to be classy about it; but deep down you wanted it so bad, you almost get sick.

The Buccaneers got a 35-yard field goal from Matt Bryant with 3:11 left, and Griese orchestrated a 79-yard touchdown drive in the final 1:49, hitting Jerramy Stevens with a 1-yard pass in the closing seconds of regulation. Several key mistakes cost Chicago (1-2) in overtime.

I've heard many fans across the city giving up on the Bears already. I don't blame them; it's on thin ice with me and I'm not even a full-fledged fan. I think the CHICAGO BEARS and the Chicago CUBS need to change names...(funny).

Chicago Funnies

Due Daniels

Chicago Flooding Still at Risk

Chicago Funnies - Thousands of people have been left homeless with many taking refuge in Red Cross shelters across the Chicago area this morning because of the heavy floods.

Rain throughout the weekend has left many Chicagoans in a very bad conditions. This is in the wake of my conversation saying I like Chicago because all we have to deal with is bad winters and lots of snow. The flooding has raised my eyebrows.

Early INDOT reports said that floodwater broke the levee, while the Little Calumet River Basin Development Commission and the Army Corps of Engineers water said they thought the water only topped the levee.

"There was an area that looked like it broke," said INDOT spokeswoman Angie Fegaras. "The issue is that water came over the levee onto the road," which is when the closure happened.

It's not pretty or easy to deal with. Chicagoan, keep your heads up...our beloved winter is coming soon (funny).

Randall Watson

Chicago Funnies

Ocho - Oh No!

NFL circus star Chad Johnson, who recently changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco - was told by the NFL and Reebok in order for him to sport his new jersey name he'd have to eat the cost of all his old jerseys with his old name on them.

If Reebok asked Ocho Cinco to pay for the cost of making the unsold jerseys, the total could reach upwards of $4 million (or $50 million pesos). That's kind of an expensive name changed. The Bengals and the NFL really don't want him to go forward with it because of the negative attention it brings the NFL.

Chad and his "arrogant" attitude is said to make Terrell Owens look like 'Humble Henry' so with a boastful personality such as Chad's; typically people want to humble that type of person themselves. And that is what it looks like the NFL is trying to do.

So will we see Ocho Cinco; maybe not if it cost mucho dinero (not funny play on words).

Chicago Mucho Funnies

Due Daniels

Dance Brother Dance...

JERUSALEM - A performer with the famed Alvin Ailey dance troupe on Tuesday said he was twice forced to perform steps for Israeli airport security officers to prove his identity before he was permitted to enter the country.

I suppose it is world wide now; forcing black men to dance. The most amazing thing is that he actually danced. This is what having a Muslim name can get you when you fly into an Israeli country in 2008 (7 years after 9/11). Full story here.

Chicago Funnies Dancing (not funny)


Greg P.

RNC Concludes

The Republican National Convention concluded yesterday with John McCain accepting the party's nomination.

In other news, the nation's unemployment rate zoomed to a five-year high of 6.1 percent in August as employers slashed 84,000 jobs (you read that right-jobs), dramatic proof of the mounting damage a deeply troubled economy is inflicting on workers and businesses alike.

Lastly, a regular Joseph beat NBA super & gold medalist star Lebron James in a game of horse. The regular Joseph returned to a factory job; Lebron back to NBA stardome life.

Next up; the debates.

Chicago Funnies

Hank Laiden

China-Man Nearly loses his "wee-wee"

Opening night of the Beijing Olympics, in Hong Kong, the police received a disturbing call from a man in trouble.

Xing, a 41 year-old man, was calling from LanTian park in the middle of the night. The lonely and disturbed man had apparently thought it would be fun to have sex with one of the steel sit-up benches around the park.

The bench has numerous small holes in it, which Xing used to attempt to masturbate. However, once he became aroused he found that he was stuck and could not get his penis out of the small hole. Dude, it's called Johnson and Johnson's, it's called Vaseline, it's called KY-jelly (funny).

Who puts their 'wee-wee' in something that is not lubricated.

The man panicked and called the police to help him. I can't imagine the embarrassment and the pain. Watch the video here.

Chicago Funnies - Hong Kong Funnies actually (funny).

Yarns at Republican National Convention

After God intervene the beginning of their convention; the republicans continued on. President Bush attempted to push McCain forward by insulting himself slightly. Stating that McCain let's you know when he disagrees with you, President Bush saying he knows first hand. President Bush, everyone disagrees with you (funny).

If emotions work in regular old marketing and sales, then why wouldn't politicians use it to get into office? McCain's camp certainly using it by stressing how he was a POW, how he was injured and stayed enlisted, blah blah blah. I don't understand how that is important in how he will orchestrate this country? Can someone tell me how, getting shot down will make you a better Presidential candidate.

I may try that at my next job interview - I was shot by a worker who went postal..."I'm ready to be CEO and lead this company." Dude you worked in the mail room.

They even use this in the streets; I should be the 'top dawg' because I was shot 5 times. Really, you should have ran or been shooting back and not been shot. So the republicans are using the emotional-card (as are democrats) of McCain fighting in war as a reason to be president.

To me their convention is kind of boring; but they are a different party so they may do things differently. Reporting, not live - Chicago Funnies

Randy Watson

Barack Obama Accepts Nomination

Sen. Barack Obama of Illinois accepted the Democratic presidential nomination Thursday night, declaring that Sen. John McCain of Arizona, his Republican opponent, was not up to the task of resolving America’s economic and foreign policy problems. The main argument was that McCain's supports 90% of President Bush's administration and policies.

Does the country want a 10% change or 100% change? That is the question!

“Tonight, tonight, I say to the people of America, to Democrats and Republicans and independents across this great land — enough!” Obama declared as thousands of flash bulbs popped in the Denver Broncos’ stadium. It is enough. Enough hood-winking.

As a presumptive presidential nominee, Obama selected Delaware Senator Joe Biden, a foreign and national security affairs veteran, as his running mate. The pair won their nominations on Aug. 27 at the national convention.

After delivering a speech to an audience of tens of thousands, he announced the decision to accept the nomination and become the first minority presidential candidate of a major party. It was joyous and exciting, and emotional as many teared up in the packed stadium. This is history and it was made.



Chicago Funnies
Due Daniels

Greatest Athlete of All Times...

In a speech to his University of North Dakota graduates, Phil Jackson, the coach of the Chicago Bears...excuse me, Bulls, my bad (where's my editor?), Los Angeles Lakers gave who he said was the greatest athlete he has coached.

Normally we would think, Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Shaq O'Neal among others. No! The greatest athlete Phil Jackson has ever coached goes by the nickname, "the Worm." Yes, Dennis Rodman got his vote.

So that makes me think - what is an athlete. We have people hailing Tiger Woods as the greatest athlete. All Tiger does is swing a pair of clubs, then either drives or walks to his destination. A good cab driver could handle that (funny).

What about baseball players? I don't even consider them athletes. Okay, good eye-hand coordination, but you're only in full action when you're running to the bases. Baseball players are like police officers. In a month, police have maybe one on-foot chase...maybe. So let's do the baseball round off - 25% average batting average; so you're getting on based one out of four times...no real athleticism in that. It's right up there with golf and the WWF...that's right entertainment.

Real athletes are the Michael Phelps, Usain Bolt, Dewayne Wade, Serena Williams (hot mama too) etc, guys who are constantly able to perform at high levels - and literally do what other cannot. So Phil, I agree - Dennis Rodman could play the 48Th minute of a game stronger than the 1st minute; which is pure athleticism.

Chicago Funnies

Randall Watson

Nothing Funny Lately

It has been a couple days and there is simply nothing funny lately. Well, sure there is as millions have laughed over the last 49 hours, but nothing so funny that the infamous Chicago Funnies have decided to write. Please accept our patience.

No other publication comes out and plainly tells you they have nothing to write about except the Chicago Funnies (still not funny).


I'm Randall Watson reporting
Chicago Funnies

Russia Bullying Georgia: Says President Bush

"When will you stop taking my lunch money," one kid ask? The other kid says, "if you bring me $200 I will leave you alone."

"Deal, says the one kid." He brings him the $200 bucks and they part. Immediately the next day the other kid says; "buy me lunch today."

This is the conversation between Russia (the other kid) and Georgia (the kid).

It's the age old bully verse classmates. And now it has received the attention of President Bush. Uh oh. The last time he intervened in another country's dispute, we are still disputing (not funny).

The president said the Cold War is over and that a contentious relationship with the United States is not in Russia's interests. Bush said "bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century."

Seemed to work in Iraq? No one knows where this is going; but hopefully not into another war.

I'm Randall Watson

Chicago Funnies

Catholics settle over $12 Million Dollars

CHICAGO Funnies (AP) — The Archdiocese of Chicago said Tuesday it had agreed to pay more than $12.6 million to settle lawsuits by 16 people who accused priests of sexual abuse, and it made public a candid deposition in the case by Cardinal Francis George.

This is disturbing that men who claim to be the ministers for God are out here abusing little boys. Let us forget getting compensated for these lewd actions, why are priest doing this. I would say abolish the rule that priest can't and shouldn't be married; but these priest mainly abuse young boys.

"My hope is that these settlements will help the survivors and their families begin to heal and move forward," George said in a separate statement in which he also apologized for the abuse.

We all guess...


Chicago Funnies
Randall Watson

Chicago Loses it's Funny Man

CHICAGO - Chicago Funnies actually has a topic not funny. The death of a Chicago funny comedian. Bernie Mac past away on Saturday morning in Chicago.

Bernie Mac’s wife and daughter were with him until the very end, says the late comics sister-in-law in a personal and touching interview with PEOPLE that took place Saturday.

Speaking of a heartbreaking moment between her younger sister, Rhonda, and the 50-year-old actor-comedian – who succumbed to complications from pneumonia in a Chicago hospital at 2 a.m. Saturday – Mary Ann Grossett says that the night before Mac died, "He struggled for his life. He couldn't breathe.

While a Chicago legend passes away; everyone will remember his comedy. "You have lovely hands. Do you moisturize (very funny)?"

Chicago Funnies

RIP Bernie Mac

Who is Living the Longest?

Common sense might tell a wise person to find out who is being most successful in a topic or field and copy or learn from them. So in the field of who is living the longest, we have to find out who and perhaps do some of the things (if not all), that they do.

And it turns out Japanese women are out living everyone on the planet.

New Delhi, August 7 : Japanese women have topped the world's longevity ranks for 23 years on the back of healthy food habits and tight social ties, among other factors. They have a 23 year streak at it; so it's not new at all.

A Japanese Health Ministry report suggests that girls born last year can expect to live until they are 86 years old, which would make them the longest survivors in the world. That is comforting as a statistic; that you'll live to be 86 years of age.

The report also suggests that boys born in 2007 can expect to live until they are 79.2 years old, ranking third after Iceland and Hong Kong. Government data shows that a tenth of Japan's population is aged 75 years or older.

So there you have it. This is good because many countries have lots of people dying young due to disease, sexual disease, accidents, murder, etc. This shows that the Japanese are avoiding a great deal of those problems. Hey let's send a Chicago ambassador out there to take some notes. Then again, surviving a Japanese game show didn't excite me too much.

I did notice the contestants were all Americans...(funny).

Chicago Funnies Live in Japan

Richard Provenzano

Blacks: You Wanted it; You Got it!

CHICAGO (CNN) -- The House of Reps on Tuesday passed a resolution apologizing to African-Americans for slavery and the era of Jim Crow.

While many states have apologized for slavery, it is the first time a branch of the federal government has done so, an aide to Cohen said.

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Text of Actual Address:

HOR (House of Reps): Yo our bad for the treatment of your forefathers. Our forefathers kinda (kind of) just got beside themselves for 500 plus years.

Blacks: Okay. Thank you for recognizing it our disgrace & shame, and your forefathers brutal acts towards us.

HOR: So we're straight?

Blacks: Yes, everything is fine. Thank you and goodnight.

HOR: Dang, that's all it took. Gees we could've done this crap years ago...

(Noise - pandemonium)

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Audio shuts off

The resolution does not address the controversial issue of reparations. Some members of the African-American community have called on lawmakers to give cash payments or other financial benefits to descendants of slaves as compensation for the suffering caused by slavery.

The House of Reps mention all restoration payment and financial benefits have been depleted towards victims of the Hurricane Katrina (not Funny, I know)

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It is not the first time lawmakers have apologized to an ethnic group for injustices.

In April, the Senate passed a resolution sponsored by Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kansas, that apologized to Native Americans for "the many instances of violence, maltreatment and neglect."

In 1993 the Senate also passed a resolution apologizing for the "illegal overthrow" of the Kingdom of Hawaii in 1893.

In 1988, Congress passed and President Reagan signed an act apologizing to the 120,000 Japanese-Americans who were held in detention camps during World War II. The 60,000 detainees who were alive at the time each received $20,000 from the government.

But we're straight now? Right?

Chicago Funnies

Due Daniels

Is 50 Million from Europe ok King James?

I might consider it to, if a European based firm wanted me to come do a "European Funnies" for $50 Million for one year...yeah I'd at least consider it. Same thing a source close to Lebron James said about James playing professional basketball in Europe.

James' contract with the Cavs expires following the 2009-10 season. Given the limited salary cap space most any NBA team has to work with, paying $50 million a year for one player -- even James -- is unlikely.

Not in Europe, not with the Euro, and not with less taxes taken out. Previously the highest paid player for one year of basketball was Michael Jordan (remember him), who grossed a $40M meal ticket from the Chicago Bulls.

The website reports the Russian team CSKA Moscow and the Greek team Oympiakos have already contacted James, but no contractual talks have transpired.

Come talk to us "European Funnies" in the making...no more specifc... German Funnies...(not funny)


Chicago Funnies
Randall Watson

Mary Kate Olsen Drugged the Joker?

CHICAGO FUNNIES - The Feds want to ask Mary-Kate Olsen about how Heath Ledger got two powerful painkillers that were responsible to his accidental drug overdose death, but she's refusing to talk without immunity, a law enforcement official said Monday.

Many African Americans wish they knew the law like Mary-Kate, and get immunity. "I will tell you how the drugs got in his pocket if I get immunity (funny)." Not sure that's going to work any time soon.

Olsen's lawyer has twice refused requests for her to speak with investigators, said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the investigation was ongoing. The lawyer, Michael C. Miller, said the "Full House" actress has nothing to do with the drugs, and has already told the government everything she knows.

"We have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger's death," Miller said in a statement Monday, "and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed."

The official confirmed a report that Olsen wants a promise of immunity from prosecution before speaking to the Drug Enforcement Administration. Olsen was a close friend of Ledger's, and was the first person called by a masseuse who found the 28-year-old "Dark Knight" actor's lifeless body in his Manhattan apartment.

-I didn't know that - she guilty...uh huh , she guilty (not funny). Not too fast, everyone is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law - but guilty until proven innocent in the minds of the average joe (including average joes at Chicago Funnies).

Hank Laiden

Farve Back with Green Bay Packers

This isn't funny to Chicago - Brett Favre, 3 time MVP is back with the GB Packers. Those in different countries may or may not know about the rivalry between the Bears and Packers - but what you may have heard is the ongoing events with Brett Farve coming out of retirement.

The Green Bay Packers called his bluff; and Farve wasn't bluffing. The big question now is will he be the main go-to-guy, or will the stuff the future hall of famer on the bench?

Aaron Rodgers, Farve's back up for the last 3 years says he is ready to compete this year:
"I’m a competitor. I’m going to compete,” Rodgers said after a scrimmage Sunday night. “This isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to be a dogfight. And I know if they do open it up to competition, not a lot of people give me a chance, but I believe in myself and I’m going to be the best I can be and let coach decide from there.”

Good luck with that. Packers can still trade Farve or make him eat on the bench - whatever the end result is Chicago Funnies want the Chicago Bears to beat the Packers, no matter who is leading them.

Chicago Funnies
Randall W.

Get Background on your Hired Hit Man

Feds say a Florida construction company owner attempted to hire a hit-man to murder an IRS agent to avoid paying $300,000 in taxes.

"A U.S. Treasury agent says in an affidavit that Randy Nowak in June agreed to pay an undercover FBI agent $20,000 to kill agent Christine Brandt, who was auditing him. Nowak thought the FBI agent was a hit man."

The FBI agent who went undercover said he knew he was in when Nowak forgot to ask for identification.

"I was mad at myself for actually taking my FBI badge to the initial meeting, but when he forgot to ask ID - I was like...I'm so in there," said the FBI Agent.

If you plan on hiring a hit man in the future - don't be intimidated to ask questions. Just because they are hit men doesn't mean they are so mean and tough (funny). Get your questions answered up front.

Chicago Funnies

Due Daniels

4 Year Slump in Workforce

The economy as we all know is taking a huge hit - the gas prices, the war, and the joblessness. Employment continued to fall in construction, manufacturing, and several service-providing industries,while health care and mining continued to add jobs.

The nation’s unemployment rate climbed to a four-year high of 5.7 percent in July as employers cut 51,000 jobs, dashing the hopes of an influx of youth & teens looking for summer work.

Payroll cuts weren’t as deep as the 72,000 predicted by economists, however, job losses for both May and June were smaller than previously reported. "July’s reductions marked the seventh straight month where employers eliminated jobs. The economy has lost a total of 463,00 jobs so far this year.

The biggest irony of it is that, with gas prices so high; I've heard people complain they can barely afford to go find work (not funny). It's not good to have something bad 4 years straight. More bad news is that it isn't going to get better any time soon.

All told, there were 8.8 million unemployed people in July, up from 7.1 million last year. The jobless rate last July stood at 4.7 percent. More job cuts are expected in coming months.

Chicago Funnies

Randall Watson

Los Angeles Earthquake

When I was younger, my older brother told me that thunder was the sound of angels fighting in Heaven. Made me think...then what is an earthquake? Maybe the other angel getting knocked to the ground (not funny). There was another Los Angeles earthquake today, so small they called it a "small sample."

A small sample of the big one coming some time in the future. Can you say, "get out of LA!"

A magnitude-5.4 earthquake shook the Los Angeles metropolitan area Tuesday, leaving residents rattled but causing no serious damage or injuries. This Los Angeles earthquake isn't scaring anybody in LA now, their worries are in the future.

"Every earthquake relieves some stress," Hutton said. "It's usually only a drop in the ocean. In other words, the amount of stress released by this earthquake is minuscule compared to the amount that's built up and is building up for the Big One when it happens some day in the future."

That was Kate Hutton, a seismologist at the California Institute of Technology.

We're happy to report no injuries or deaths.

Chicago Funnies

Hank Laiden

Ref Gets 15 Months

If you've ever wanted to get a ref for blowing a call - here is your chance... or not. Yesterday, attorneys for Tim Donaghy, the former NBA referee who admitted to betting on basketball games he officiated, filed a psychological "evaluation" that blames his crimes on compulsive gambling.

I hope he is not in jail roomed up with guy who bet on games he officiated (funny). Donaghy was suppose to have a more extensive sentence. His compulsive gambling was his plea.

The plea worked. Today, Donaghy was sentenced to 15 months in prison instead of the 27 to 33 months that had been expected. Note to everyone, do a crime have psychological behavior ready as your plea.

Chicago Funnies

Due Danielz

McCain: Not Happy with Obama

This past week John McCain and the rest of the world learned of Barack Obama's trip to Germany that drew a crowd of over 200,000 people to see a "black" senator from Chicago. While Obama was in Germany, McCain was in the US barely pulling 20 people in a German restaurant (funny).

McCain's reply to the crowd Obama had in Germany was, "I'd rather give a speech to them as President, not a president nominee." And even though that is true, his response should have been better than that.

So I thought I'd help him on what his responses should be or have been:

"WOW!"

"That's great!"

"He's a good speaker, doing his campaign, and I'm doing mine."

"That's an awesome turn out; but those people can't vote for him."

"I'm not that popular...oh jeez."

McCain has to stick to what got him this far - but running against a popular guy can and will be rough. He is articulate, he is handsome, he is confident, he has ideas, he has a strategy for the country, and winning will make history.

Obama and all Obama-supporters know this - McCain's camp have to think fast! If not we'll never hear of McCain again.

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Chicago Funnies

Randall Watson

"I'm Not 79-89- nor 99 Cent" say 50

Rapper 50 Cent, real name Curtis Jackson, is suing Mexican "wanna be" fast food restaurant Taco Bell for allegedly using his image and name in an ad where they asked him to change his "stage name" from 50 Cent to 99 Cent.

50 has turn $.50 into a household name within the younger inner-city communities and now plenty of corporate communities. I would be suing because of the insult - "change my name and to 89 cents. Do you know how much the hip hop community will be laughing?" Apparently, Taco Bell doesn't know; thus why I think 50's really suing. It's for the disrespect. A disrespect that could cost the company 4 million in damages towards Curtis Jackson.

-Sources close to 50 said, "His name is 50 Cent, for short people call him "fifty" if he took on the name 79 Cent, what would people call him? Seventy-nine? It doesn't make sense. If you're not going to get permission to use him, at least make it good whatever you do."

I agree.

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Chicago Funnies

Randall Watson